Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has [...]]]> This column today was so insightful that I thought I’d share it in full with all of you.  Lloyd Thomas is a fellow coach here in northern Colorado for whom I have the greatest respect.  If you want to subscribe to his weekly column, follow the directions at the bottom.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical Psychology”). Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

It is not the big traumas that usually destroy relationships. It is the build up of “the little things.” It is the little frustrations, the little habits, the small irritations, which gradually, almost imperceptibly, erode a relationship away.

After such slow erosion, one of the partners in a relationship suddenly “wakes up” and realizes he or she is very unhappy with their relationship and doesn’t know how s/he “got that way.”

Perhaps becoming more aware of the common “relationship killers” might help people to prevent or “cure” the destruction of their relationship. Here are some of the “little killers” of any close or intimate relationship.

CRITICISM When we become critical of our partner, or ourselves the relationship suffers. Contrary to what most of us learned in elementary school, there is no such thing as “constructive” criticism. Criticism always tears at self-esteem. It erodes self-confidence. It can dissolve the best of relationships.

The antidote to criticism is praise and encouragement. Rather than pointing out what is “wrong” with yourself or another, focus on what is “right” or what might be a better alternative. Encourage yourself and your partner to practice new alternatives to what you wish to criticize, rather than just pointing out what you don’t like.

COMPLAINING No one likes “whiners and complainers.” Complaining does nothing positive to a relationship. It merely highlights what you don’t like, not what you do like. When your partner complains, it is left up to you to figure out how to address the complaint…usually an impossible task. Frustration builds if you attempt the impossible.

Instead of complaining, ask directly for what you want. There is only one way in the English language to ask directly for anything. That is to use the two words: “Will you…” It also helps if, before you ask directly, you identify for your partner, precisely what it is you want. Being clear about what you want and asking directly for something to address that want, is certainly more likely than complaining, to result in your need-fulfillment.

ACCUSING Making accusations always invites defensiveness. It never nourishes a relationship. Accusations makes your partner an adversary regardless of the truth or falsity of the accusation. Do you want an adversary for a relationship partner? You’ll get one if you make enough accusations.

If you accuse, you are part of the problem. If you make suggestions, you become part of the solution. Rather than accuse, make suggestions regarding the satisfactory alternatives to the accusation.

DEFENDING Whenever we feel attacked or threatened in some way, we defend ourselves. A very effective defense, and an even more powerful relationship killer, is withdrawal. If we are always defending ourselves, the partner has no chance of becoming close or learning to know us as we really are. Withdrawing from a relationship kills that relationship as quickly as walking off a tennis court stops the match.

The more open and vulnerable you are in a relationship, the more likely you are available to receive emotional nourishment. The more likely you are to be honestly known by your partner. Self-acceptance is the key to comfortably sharing yourself with your partner. Both being known and being emotionally nourished, strengthens a relationship rather than eroding it.

The last relationship killer is BLAMING. Blaming always deceives the “blamer” into believing he or she has no power over that for which s/he is blaming another. The “blamee” is always hurt. The “blamer” is always weakened by not taking responsibility. Blaming results in developing a relationship of pain for one, dependency for the other.

Taking responsibility for your actions, choices…indeed your life, and practicing the use of your own personal power, is the opposite of blaming.

Avoid the relationship killers above and you stand a much better chance of creating a relationship where both of you grow and thrive. Add some love to it, and you might just be fulfilled and happy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life coach. He serves on the faculty of the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton 2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

If you found the above column useful, feel free to share it with friends.

To subscribe yourself to Practical Life Coaching, click on the following line (or copy and paste the address below into your web browser):
http://lists.webvalence.com/listmgr/subscribe?lists=practical_life_coaching

Upon subscribing, you will receive Practical Life Coaching approximately once a week.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.
3421 Polk Circle West
Wellington, CO 80549

“We can be powerful without being perfect.”

It really struck me as an important concept, one that I need to constantly remember on my journey of life.

Like everyone, I think, I get hung up on the idea of achieving perfection. Nothing wrong with [...]]]> My colleague Tony made this observation in a discussion last week:

“We can be powerful without being perfect.”

It really struck me as an important concept, one that I need to constantly remember on my journey of life.

Like everyone, I think, I get hung up on the idea of achieving perfection.  Nothing wrong with that – it’s what we’re here for.  But somehow the concept of being imperfect has been linked with powerless.

And when I think of it, the logic is obviously flawed.  The people who have had the most impact on my life have been far from perfect – and in fact, their imperfections are often a reason why they’ve affected me so much.

And the people who are most powerful in the world, in society, in any group you can think of – they’re nowhere near perfect either.  They have certain attributes that I may want to model, but perfect?  No.

So, when you get depressed on how your flaws seem to be holding you back:

You don’t have to be perfect to be powerful.

Thanks for that, Tony!

One of the challenges is to make the offer to our pastor, and to [...]]]> Back in November we got people from all the parishes in Fort Collins together to sing sacred music for Mass.  That was so wonderful, we’re going to do it again!  We’re looking at the end of February, at my home parish.

One of the challenges is to make the offer to our pastor, and to the person who normally leads music for that Mass, in such a way that they’re likely to be excited about this opportunity.  I’ll be focusing on how this can help make the Mass a special liturgical experience, build relationships with the other parishes, and give an opportunity to promote truly sacred music.

When we got together to make plans, it was interesting to see how hard it was for the three of us to make decisions.  Each of us has radically different expertise, and nobody is the clear decision maker.  We’re each trying to bring our gifts, contribute ideas and observations, and support each other in achieving our various goals.  Goals which aren’t always clearly articulated, of course.

But it works!  We focused on what would be the best fit for the second Sunday of Lent, for the skill of the singers, for the pastor and the congregation, and for the limited amount of practice time that we’ll have.

Again, it comes down to trusting in the Holy Spirit.