Yeah, stunning, I know. If you are grounded in your thinking, this will help you recover faster.

Ian’s remark, though, was about the [...]]]> I was listening to the Catholic Laboratory podcast by Ian Maxfield yesterday, where he was bemoaning a recent report in NewScientist magazine about the effects of mental practices on recovery from illness.

Yeah, stunning, I know.  If you are grounded in your thinking, this will help you recover faster.

Ian’s remark, though, was about the particular New Agey practices that they mention:

• Positive thinking
• Trusting relationships
• Knowing your purpose
• Meditation

Sound familiar?  Yes, these are core practices of our religion and belief in God.

Yet, NewScientist also tends to promote a strongly secular attitude that religion is unnecessary, that God is an artifact of weak thinking.  There’s a lot of this going around these days, where religious concepts and practices have been wrapped up in the vague “spiritual but not religious” hogwash.

Spiritual, I guess, in the sense that we worship honor our God a more powerful being “the universe.”  As if “the universe” gives us any particular purpose.

As a career and business coach for 12 years now, I’ve associated with a great many people who get caught up in the whole New Agey thing.  So I’ve come to understand some of how this mindset is emerging.

This seems to be the idea:  There certainly is something more powerful than me, or my family, or even society as a whole.  Perhaps I’m not comfortable calling that “God”, because that would imply that He gets to tell me what to do.  Instead, I’m more at ease with the thought that I get to do whatever I wish, like my parents taught me:  “You can grow up to do anything you want!  We just want you to be happy!”

So we co-opt the scientific concept of “the universe,” and assign to it a sense that it’s always there to help us.  But fortunately it’s so large that we can’t possibly have a responsibility toward it.  That’s safer than the 60s’ “Mother Earth,” because we found out that we indeed can do damage at that level, which means we have to take some personal or societal responsibility.

Then we have the mixing of global cultures, so people start seeing some similarities between religious practices across the world.  You meditate, I pray.  You play drums, I chant.  We both burn incense for similar purposes.

But you can really only meld these together into New Age if you get rid of a particular God.  You have your version of God/Goddess/Gods/Higher Power, and I have mine, but we’ll just focus on the practices that seem similar.  We’ll just replace that God Stuff (hey, what did he ever do for me anyway?) and assign the target of our attention to be The Universe, or Mother Earth, or an even more undefinable Power Of Attraction.

Sorry, folks.  Having a relationship is pointless unless it’s with someone.  If you’re trying to love nothing in particular, it’s not love.  It’s an emotion, maybe, or an interesting thought – but love isn’t love until it reaches someone.

So go ahead and learn from New Age thinking.  It’s good to realize that we have a responsibility to something larger than ourselves, and that we are all interdependent.

But don’t expect there to be much of a point to all that unless it also calls you to The Purpose which has been given to you by your maker.  The life of infinite love that we’re all called to here and beyond.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has [...]]]> This column today was so insightful that I thought I’d share it in full with all of you.  Lloyd Thomas is a fellow coach here in northern Colorado for whom I have the greatest respect.  If you want to subscribe to his weekly column, follow the directions at the bottom.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in “Practical Life Coaching” (formerly “Practical Psychology”). Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

It is not the big traumas that usually destroy relationships. It is the build up of “the little things.” It is the little frustrations, the little habits, the small irritations, which gradually, almost imperceptibly, erode a relationship away.

After such slow erosion, one of the partners in a relationship suddenly “wakes up” and realizes he or she is very unhappy with their relationship and doesn’t know how s/he “got that way.”

Perhaps becoming more aware of the common “relationship killers” might help people to prevent or “cure” the destruction of their relationship. Here are some of the “little killers” of any close or intimate relationship.

CRITICISM When we become critical of our partner, or ourselves the relationship suffers. Contrary to what most of us learned in elementary school, there is no such thing as “constructive” criticism. Criticism always tears at self-esteem. It erodes self-confidence. It can dissolve the best of relationships.

The antidote to criticism is praise and encouragement. Rather than pointing out what is “wrong” with yourself or another, focus on what is “right” or what might be a better alternative. Encourage yourself and your partner to practice new alternatives to what you wish to criticize, rather than just pointing out what you don’t like.

COMPLAINING No one likes “whiners and complainers.” Complaining does nothing positive to a relationship. It merely highlights what you don’t like, not what you do like. When your partner complains, it is left up to you to figure out how to address the complaint…usually an impossible task. Frustration builds if you attempt the impossible.

Instead of complaining, ask directly for what you want. There is only one way in the English language to ask directly for anything. That is to use the two words: “Will you…” It also helps if, before you ask directly, you identify for your partner, precisely what it is you want. Being clear about what you want and asking directly for something to address that want, is certainly more likely than complaining, to result in your need-fulfillment.

ACCUSING Making accusations always invites defensiveness. It never nourishes a relationship. Accusations makes your partner an adversary regardless of the truth or falsity of the accusation. Do you want an adversary for a relationship partner? You’ll get one if you make enough accusations.

If you accuse, you are part of the problem. If you make suggestions, you become part of the solution. Rather than accuse, make suggestions regarding the satisfactory alternatives to the accusation.

DEFENDING Whenever we feel attacked or threatened in some way, we defend ourselves. A very effective defense, and an even more powerful relationship killer, is withdrawal. If we are always defending ourselves, the partner has no chance of becoming close or learning to know us as we really are. Withdrawing from a relationship kills that relationship as quickly as walking off a tennis court stops the match.

The more open and vulnerable you are in a relationship, the more likely you are available to receive emotional nourishment. The more likely you are to be honestly known by your partner. Self-acceptance is the key to comfortably sharing yourself with your partner. Both being known and being emotionally nourished, strengthens a relationship rather than eroding it.

The last relationship killer is BLAMING. Blaming always deceives the “blamer” into believing he or she has no power over that for which s/he is blaming another. The “blamee” is always hurt. The “blamer” is always weakened by not taking responsibility. Blaming results in developing a relationship of pain for one, dependency for the other.

Taking responsibility for your actions, choices…indeed your life, and practicing the use of your own personal power, is the opposite of blaming.

Avoid the relationship killers above and you stand a much better chance of creating a relationship where both of you grow and thrive. Add some love to it, and you might just be fulfilled and happy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life coach. He serves on the faculty of the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: “Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice…and Your Life!” (W.W. Norton 2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

If you found the above column useful, feel free to share it with friends.

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Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.
3421 Polk Circle West
Wellington, CO 80549

But I find myself paying attention to [...]]]> I’ve had a number of things happening in the last few months which seem to be trying to push me away from having faith – in myself, in my church, in God.  They’re subtle, but after they start mounting up you start thinking there might be a pattern.

But I find myself paying attention to this, and my soul reaches out as if to yell, “No!  My faith is alive and growing!”

It’s all about having intention, making a decision.

Perhaps it’s because I’m at an inflection point in my life, with big changes happening on several dimensions.  An interpretation could be that the Devil himself is taking advantage of the opportunity to beat me down.

No.  I choose to have faith.  In my church, in my family, in myself.

Here’s the core of the idea:

What to do?

Well, I’m back to a lot of deeper prayer, including the Rosary. I still have faith [...]]]> This is a time of turmoil in my spiritual life.  I won’t go into more detail, but it’s something that is causing me to lose a bit of sleep.  And what little hair I have left.

What to do?

Well, I’m back to a lot of deeper prayer, including the Rosary.  I still have faith that God is supporting me through all this.  I don’t know why, but – I pray – there’s something good which will result.

I thank each of you for the support that you’ve given me in the past, and will in the future.  Pray for me, for my family, for our church.  We need it.

“We can be powerful without being perfect.”

It really struck me as an important concept, one that I need to constantly remember on my journey of life.

Like everyone, I think, I get hung up on the idea of achieving perfection. Nothing wrong with [...]]]> My colleague Tony made this observation in a discussion last week:

“We can be powerful without being perfect.”

It really struck me as an important concept, one that I need to constantly remember on my journey of life.

Like everyone, I think, I get hung up on the idea of achieving perfection.  Nothing wrong with that – it’s what we’re here for.  But somehow the concept of being imperfect has been linked with powerless.

And when I think of it, the logic is obviously flawed.  The people who have had the most impact on my life have been far from perfect – and in fact, their imperfections are often a reason why they’ve affected me so much.

And the people who are most powerful in the world, in society, in any group you can think of – they’re nowhere near perfect either.  They have certain attributes that I may want to model, but perfect?  No.

So, when you get depressed on how your flaws seem to be holding you back:

You don’t have to be perfect to be powerful.

Thanks for that, Tony!

There’s so many problems, so many things to be fixed. We live in fear of what is and what’s to come. And meanwhile, we spend our lives constantly focusing on the future.

Here’s the deal: Your presence [...]]]>

“Life is not about avoiding broken eggs.  Life is about presence (broken eggs and all)” – Terry Hershey

There’s so many problems, so many things to be fixed.  We live in fear of what is and what’s to come.  And meanwhile, we spend our lives constantly focusing on the future.

Here’s the deal:  Your presence is in the present.  And if you can’t enjoy and appreciate what God has given you in the present, you will reside in constant misery.

The challenge is to appreciate the present, imperfections and all.  Sure, the broken eggs may be a mess, but God’s love is most important when we’re in disarray.  That’s also the time when we can recognize our fragility and reliance on others.

Here’s the long picture:  You’re born.  You do stuff.  You die.  Everybody goes through this cycle and it never changes.

Depressing, huh?  When you look at the rest of your life – you “do stuff” and then you die – it seems almost pointless.  Clearly the meaning of life isn’t there.

Where is it, then?  In relationships.  In the impact we have on others.  In how we are able to help each other on our intertwined journeys.

And our journeys are messy.  I happen to believe that this is exactly God’s design, because it’s only through the messy parts that we experience why love is necessary.  Although it seems paradoxical, glory is revealed through hardship.  Why would you have any need to be lifted up if you hadn’t fallen?

Through our relationships, each of us is put here as a gift for each other – not to avoid difficulty, but to experience difficulty and help each other through it.  That’s the glorious work of God.

Daunting is a relatively weak word for what it feels like.